Hard Few Months

Since I lost the baby during Memorial Day Weekend it has been so hard. I thought I was finally healing I hadn't been thinking about it constantly, crying daily or even weekly...that is until August 10-11. All I did those days was think about the baby and cry. I couldn't sleep and I didn't feel hungry but I had to move on, it was just a bad couple of days, right?

Then August 12 came along, the day had started out good I had went to the park with some friends and was in the process of driving to my friends house to sign up as a Tupperware lady when I got the phone call.

It was my niece Kristan calling, my brother Chris hung himself. Shock and confusion swept in. She had mentioned that they were taking him some place...that meant that we was alive right, so I asked where? Which hospital? Then she had to tell me no, Sam, he's gone.

In that instant my life changed completely...the brother that was always there, the one who I played Legos with as a child and spent hours at his house as a teen, was gone. I last spoke to him about 2 weeks before this day and he seemed fine, he wanted us to come over but I hadn't made it there yet. I thought I had time, I wish that I had.

Now I hurt everyday. I try to go on with my life but when I'm alone on those quiet nights all I think about is him. There was no note, no explanation. He's just gone and I feel like it's all a bad dream and I'll eventually wake up.

Now I wonder if I could sense that something was going to happen and that's why I couldn't sleep the nights before and all my mind took me to was the last loss that I had...my precious baby?

I wrote a little something today for my brother, I haven't had a chance to work on it too much but here is what I have this far.


My First Best Friend

From the moment I came home from the hospital you were there.

As I grew I became a tomboy, always trying to keep up with my big brother.
Legos, Cars and dirt I always touched.

We got older, you and I. Became parents and shared laughs. But always had a bond that only
a brother and sister could share.

Now you're gone and I don't know why.
All I want to do is cry, cry, cry.

I miss you so much. I hold your memories, smile, and laugh in my heart.

Until we meet again...I Love You!


To my Big Brother Christopher Aaron Cooper (September 14, 1978 - August 12, 2011)

Hey Everyone!

It's been about two weeks since I last blogged! It's been a crazy few weeks!

Here are different things that my family has been up to:

Lil Bob- Well this little guy has been busy almost as busy as his momma. He has t-ball going on right now, he plays for the Yankees and has really enjoyed the time with his teammates. I totally messed up and didn't wake up for his game last Saturday and then His game on Monday was rained out....I felt so bad! He is also been participating in Knox College for Kids last week and this week. He has had a blast and has really enjoyed his classes.

Alex and Allie- They really haven't had any outside activities this summer. We've made many trips to the library and to different parks (when weather permits). They are looking forward to going to the carnival this weekend (for the past two days they've seen people setting up the rides as we go back and forth from Knox). I had to take Allie to the doctor yesterday, she had been complaining of her left ear hurting her so I assumed it was a regular ear infection. Come to find out she has swimmers ear (not really sure how she got that since she hasn't been swimming in over a month and I really don't let her lay down in the bathtub).

Bob- He has been busy with work...he's still on 3rd until mid September. We are getting ready to head to his cousin's wedding in a couple weeks in Wisconsin.

Samantha- I've been keeping myself busy as usual, but I wouldn't have it any other way! Some things have changed and some have stayed the same.

The Relay For Life fundraising will be coming to an end soon. My team has been so awesome! We've been able to raise so much more that we originally thought we could for The American Cancer Society.

Mom2Mom planning is underway and I'm so excited to work with this new team as we are able to reach so many women.

Another thing I'm excited about is the upcoming Women's Retreat that we are currently planning at Bethel. This is such a special time for women to get a much closer relationship with God and other women!

I am part of a Bible study that has been going over different women of the Bible. It has been such a great study to join!

I also had the opportunity to participate in a mom's support group last night. Even though I didn't get to stay for long yesterday I am very excited to participate in this in the future!

My house has finally been cleaned up, after losing my baby a few weeks ago I really had quit doing much around the house...but I was finally able to get motivated and get my house back to being clean (other than my room).

Question for anyone who's had a miscarriage in the past. It has now been 3 1/2 weeks since I had the miscarriage and I've still had some abdominal pain. Is this something that is normal? I had a UTI/ Kidney infection that I didn't discover until last week, I've finished the antibiotic. So before I had finished the medication I assumed the pain was associated to the UTI but since I've finished it the pain has still been there.

Scripture that I love-

Jeremiah 29:11-14 (I think I've posted this before)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the Lord.

Philippians 4:4-6

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

Two Weeks

Tomorrow marks two weeks since I found out that I was going to have a miscarriage. I thought I was getting better emotionally until last night. I knew I had to go back to my doctors office today for the 2 week check up. I was up off and on throughout the night and my nerves were going crazy, I had really bad heartburn all because of what I had to do the next day.

As I walked into the office building today I could feel my heart racing and the need to run! But I didn't of course. I decided to take the stairs because I figured I wouldn't have to see anyone else in there. I walked into the office and of course saw babies and pregnant women everywhere I looked...sitting and waiting, it felt like torture. I didn't want to be there and now I was waiting by all of these happy people and I didn't want to cry in front of them. So I decided to focus on a game on my phone.

When my name was called and I had to walk to the back room it was horrible....even the nurses act different when you are there after a miscarriage for a checkup. She was very quiet didn't smile, didn't really say much to me at all. All I kept telling myself was "don't cry Sam, don't cry you can do this". Unfortunately my emotions got the best of me yet again and I broke down in the room again. Luckily Bob was there to hand me tissues....I don't think I could have handled this whole situation very well if I didn't have Bob with me.

Good news...my levels are back down to 2 so I don't have to have anymore blood taken for this reason! Also, my midwife suggested that we wait 2 months to try again after I questioned a little bit more she did say that some of her patients do get pregnant sooner and it just depends on what Bob and I want to do...if I am emotionally ready for a roller coaster of emotions during another pregnancy. She said that I need to grieve for this baby. She gave me something that a church out of Peoria put together for mom's who have miscarried...in it was a card, a little book, and a little ornament of Jesus holding a baby....underneath it it says "Safe in the arms of Jesus". I just need to keep remembering that my baby is in a better place.

When I got home Bob let me hang out in the bedroom most of the day...it wasn't as bad as the first day, but it was still bad. I thought that I was doing better but then something happens that reminds me of my loss and my baby...today it was the check up, yesterday it was a friend announcing her pregnancy, before that it was holding a baby in the nursery and smelling the baby smell and knowing that I'm not going to be able to hold my baby. I just have to take one day at a time and know that I have a God that loves me and will take care of me. I will continue to praise and worship Him through this hard time!

Jeremiah 29:11-12

"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all of your heart."

Me-

It's now been 1 week since I was told that I was miscarrying. This week started out horrible but has now started to get a little back to "normal". My body is back to the way it was before and my emotions are getting more under control. I still have the feeling of loss but at least the pregnancy emotions are ending.

I ventured out of the house this week...to and from schools taking the boys to and from schools. I visited with a cousin and my grandma. Today I decided to go around a large group of friends when I went to Mom2Mom park day. Park day was probably the hardest...seeing all the women look at me with concern and sadness is soooo hard.

I have a conflict of feelings sometimes; on one hand I wish that no one had known that I had been pregnant because then I wouldn't have these loving friends concerned and cautious around me, on the other hand I love that I told that we were expecting because I don't think I could have handled it as well as I did if I hadn't had the support and love from so many. It's still hard to be around all the pregnant bellies and not to think about my baby and the what ifs.

I don't know if I'll ever know for sure why I had a miscarriage but, because of this I have been able to hear so many stories of everyone what has also been through this. I've had the chance to pray for those that have recently or are still going through a miscarriage. I've been able to help a friend go through her miscarriage....I know if I hadn't had one first I wouldn't have been able to help her through hers. I know that God does things for a reason. All I can do is pray for healing and for whatever God gives me in the future.

I've thought about buying some sort of jewelry to remember the baby I lost...I've seen on different websites that some women do that.... what are your thoughts on this?

Bob and I have also decided to try again after I have been given the okay to do so. So please pray for healing, and if it is God's will another pregnancy.

Now I think I will talk about something other than me...

Alex-

Today was Alex's last day at Bright Futures for the summer. His first year of school has been both challenging and fun for him. If you have met my Alex you know that he is not much for following rules and he thinks that he needs to break most of them...in school that doesn't work out for him. I've had many letters sent home this year. I know he loves school but, I'm really hoping that he has a better year next year. Please keep him in your prayers this summer. He finished his soccer last Saturday... it is so cute to see all the preschoolers out on the soccer field (you can normally tell which ones are the younger preschoolers by how often they just walk around picking dandelions or get stuck in the net). He really doesn't have a lot to do this summer...he's in that in between age where there isn't a lot of extracurricular activities for him to do, hopefully he doesn't get too bored with mommy.

Bobby-

His last day of kindergarten is on Monday! The time just keeps flying by with this little guy! He was diagnosed with ADHD at the beginning of the year and all I can say is WOW what a difference since he has been diagnosed! He went from not paying attention in school/crying saying everything was too hard to being at the top of his class! He is reading at a third grade level, doing math and science at an accelerated level....I'm so proud of his hard work!!! This has been a long battle but I see the little boy I always knew was there now! I'm so happy that he was placed in the class he was and that the teacher saw his potential and helped us figure out what was best for our little guy! We are going to miss Mrs. Hager next year. Hopefully we get another teacher next year that makes sure he works to his potential and that we can have a good parent/ teacher connection to keep him there. He will be going to Knox College For Kids this summer! We are so proud of him and the journey that he's been on! Please keep him in your prayers for next year as we continue our journey with ADHD. Mrs. Hager has actually mentioned requesting Alex in a couple years when he starts kindergarten....hopefully she'll get him and we can work together to make him reach his potential too! Bobby is also playing baseball through the city this year for the first time. He loves it and it is fun to watch all the littles trying to catch the ball and run the bases in confusion.

Little Miss-

Allison has finished her parent/tot tumbling for the summer...well that isn't totally true, she has her last "extra" class on the 11th. She is such a natural at it! She loves Miss Cindy so much! She runs around the house singing her tumbling warm up songs all the time....not to mention all the flips she does (when she's not suppose to). We are debating putting her in the summer dance program at All That Dance for a week to see how she does with that...she really loves to pretend to be a ballerina all the time so I think that it would also be a good fit for her. My baby girl starts preschool in the fall! It feels like just yesterday when I had all three home (Bobby turned 3 a week after I had her and Alex was 16 months). I won't know what to do with myself. I know my husband is probably hoping that the house will be cleaner LOL. This is going to be a tough transition for this mama!

Bob-

He is now on third for the summer at John Deere...which is never a fun transition for both the family and him. He has been so tired lately and we haven't been able to see that much of him :( He is also still selling Advocare on the side....but because of his new work schedule he hasn't been able to pursue new clients. Please pray for him as he transitions back to third for the summer.

Other happenings-

Relay For Life- My team has done awesome! We have still been placing purple toilets in both Galesburg and Knoxville. We have a car wash this Sunday (weather permitting) 1-4 in front of Burglands on Henderson St.

I am also on the Knox county committee for Relay For Life- I'm in charge of organizing and getting the vendors for Vendor Alley...so far I've had a good turn out and hopefully I'll be able to get some more interested vendors soon!

Mom2Mom- I'm very excited as we start planning for next years mom2mom!!! Please pray for us as the new team plans during the summer!

Thank you all for reading this....I know that it is super long with NO pictures!! I'll have to add some soon (which means I will actually start taking some that aren't on my phone, Ronda, Shocking right)!

Much Love!

Samantha

Songs of Healing

I Will Carry You- Selah





Blessings- Laura Story




Angel By Your Side- Francesca Battistelli

Sorrow

I was never one who thought that they would start a blog but, I've changed my mind. I have a happy little family, My husband Bob, we've been married for almost 8 years; 2 sons, Bobby Jr (6) and Alex (4); 1 daughter Allison (3). We've lived all over from Illinois to Florida to Nicaragua. We have also had a loss of a baby we wanted so dearly. This is the reason I decided to start a blog so that I could remember my angel baby and could remember my journey from here on out.

On May 17th, 2011 I found out we were expecting our 4th child....I had kinda guessed that I was pregnant before that but I hadn't taken a pregnancy test until this time. Allison and I went to Wal-Mart to do some shopping and while there I decided to get a test (actually 2 tests) to find out for sure. When I got home the first thing I did was head to the restroom (I couldn't wait to find out if we were going to have a baby). Bob and I had been trying for 8 months to conceive and there had been a couple times during that 8 months that I had had my hopes up because of a late period just to have them bashed in a couple of days, I think this was the reason that I was hesitant to really get tests again. (What if I wasn't, could I really justify buying another test and going through that disappointment yet again?)

To get back to the story...I took one test and there were two lines ( I was so excited)! Bob had actually came home from work early that day, so he was in the living room trying to relax while playing his game. So I decided that I would take the test in to show Bob...he was shocked and a little nervous, he didn't really want to talk....yet again he didn't think we were really ready at this time. He wanted me to take another test....so about 1/2 hour later I took another test and again there were two lines!!! I was pregnant!!!! The baby I had so desperately wanted the last 8 months was on his or her way.

I had never had issues with keeping a baby so of course I decided to tell some friends and family our good news! Bob eventually warmed up to the idea and was thinking of baby names! The next might unknowingly to me my husband decided to announce via Facebook we were expecting out 4th child so I decided that I would go public too since he had already went Facebook.

Everything with this pregnancy seemed to be going good....I was craving spinach salad and strawberries (not together though). My pants had already started getting tighter (I had been told that the more pregnancies that you have the faster you show). Which had been true so far. I really didn't have morning sickness the only time I felt nauseous was when I tried to eat peanuts.

On Tuesday May 24th, 2011 I had a strange pain that I couldn't get to go away (felt kind of like a ligament pulling) So I called the doctors office. When I was called back I was told that I needed to go to the hospital to get my blood work checked...The next day when I was called back I was told that the levels were still too low to do an ultrasound but they were still in the normal range for how far along I was....I was also told to go back to the hospital on Thursday after 5 pm to have the same test done and to see my midwife on Friday at 10am. So Thursday I went on with my day and after 5 I went and had my blood work done. The next morning I had hopes that I would be able to have an ultrasound and have a great 1st official check up by my midwife. I should have known something was up when the nurse asked me if I was still bleeding...I hadn't been bleeding, why would she think that? Luckily looking back my husband joined me to this appointment. As we waited for the midwife to enter the room he was looking at the poster on the wall that showed the baby in different stages during the pregnancy....He was so excited! When the midwife came I could tell that it wasn't going to be the appointment I was looking forward to...She looked in my chart and my HCG levels. Instead of doubling from where they were a few days before they dropped to 127 (if I remember right) at this she told me she said this wasn't good and that I was miscarrying. At this I went into shock.....didn't people show signs of miscarrying? I had a ligament pain that was it, right? I still felt pregnant. She let me have some time with Bob in the room as I started crying. She told me to stop my prenatal vitamins and then the miscarriage would progress. I was told to come back to the office in 2 weeks to get a post miscarriage check up...so I tried to pull myself together to wait in line at the appointment window.....everywhere I looked there were pregnant, happy women.....I had a panic attack how was I suppose to stand here and wait behind all this women who hadn't been told that there gift from God had been taken from them? Bob and I had taken 2 vehicles to the office so I turned to him and asked him to stay and make my follow-up appointment because I needed to get out of the office. As I left I decided to take the stairs I couldn't stand taking the elevator and trying to keep it together for a second longer. Down the stairs I remember crying and thinking why us....This had always been my biggest fear....losing a child....either during the pregnancy or after.
This day continued and Bob told Lil' Bob that we weren't going to have the baby that he wanted so much.... He was such a brave, loving little boy. He saw that I was sad and came up and gave me a big hug and asked if it was because of the baby and I said yes. He didn't shed a tear. Just hugged me and let me hold him (which is a big deal for a almost 1st grader).

I decided that I needed to let people know that I had lost the baby....I don't think I could handle a person who didn't know asking me any questions about the pregnancy. So I posted on Facebook....from this I was truly blessed! I had friends that I hadn't talked to in forever and those that I talk to more often telling me about their experiences and what has helped them...This has helped me greatly! I also had a friend suggest that I read Heaven is for Real. I read this book Sunday it was great and helped me have a peace that I didn't before. Also, the song Blessings by Laura Story has really helped me look at how God is blessing me through this experience also.

Again, I'll get back to my story....So Saturday came and went (I went to three games because I promised my boys that I would crawl out of bed and go to their games).

Sunday May 29th came... and so did the inevitable.....until then I had hope (maybe she was wrong...maybe the lab switched my results with someone else, that happens, right). I spent the day reading, praying, and listening to music....I knew I couldn't get through this without God. I prayed for my baby to know how much I loved him or her. I prayed for healing and peace. I prayed that Jesus would hold my baby and give the hugs and kisses that I can't right now.

Today, has been easier...I know that God is watching over me and has helped lift me up...I have a warmth inside and a peace that I didn't last Friday. I still hurt and I'm sure that I will hurt for the rest of my life...but I have a peace that only the Heavenly Father can give! Someday I will get to meet this little person and get to hold him or her but until then I know that my baby is in the best care!

From here on out I will refer to my baby as Kaylee...this is the name Bob picked out for our baby if it was a girl (Kaylee Danielle).

I hope to post on here regularly as my family tries to heal the best we can and hopefully have another chance to have another little blessing.