I Will Carry You- Selah
Blessings- Laura Story
Angel By Your Side- Francesca Battistelli
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Monday, May 30, 2011
Sorrow
I was never one who thought that they would start a blog but, I've changed my mind. I have a happy little family, My husband Bob, we've been married for almost 8 years; 2 sons, Bobby Jr (6) and Alex (4); 1 daughter Allison (3). We've lived all over from Illinois to Florida to Nicaragua. We have also had a loss of a baby we wanted so dearly. This is the reason I decided to start a blog so that I could remember my angel baby and could remember my journey from here on out.
On May 17th, 2011 I found out we were expecting our 4th child....I had kinda guessed that I was pregnant before that but I hadn't taken a pregnancy test until this time. Allison and I went to Wal-Mart to do some shopping and while there I decided to get a test (actually 2 tests) to find out for sure. When I got home the first thing I did was head to the restroom (I couldn't wait to find out if we were going to have a baby). Bob and I had been trying for 8 months to conceive and there had been a couple times during that 8 months that I had had my hopes up because of a late period just to have them bashed in a couple of days, I think this was the reason that I was hesitant to really get tests again. (What if I wasn't, could I really justify buying another test and going through that disappointment yet again?)
To get back to the story...I took one test and there were two lines ( I was so excited)! Bob had actually came home from work early that day, so he was in the living room trying to relax while playing his game. So I decided that I would take the test in to show Bob...he was shocked and a little nervous, he didn't really want to talk....yet again he didn't think we were really ready at this time. He wanted me to take another test....so about 1/2 hour later I took another test and again there were two lines!!! I was pregnant!!!! The baby I had so desperately wanted the last 8 months was on his or her way.
I had never had issues with keeping a baby so of course I decided to tell some friends and family our good news! Bob eventually warmed up to the idea and was thinking of baby names! The next might unknowingly to me my husband decided to announce via Facebook we were expecting out 4th child so I decided that I would go public too since he had already went Facebook.
Everything with this pregnancy seemed to be going good....I was craving spinach salad and strawberries (not together though). My pants had already started getting tighter (I had been told that the more pregnancies that you have the faster you show). Which had been true so far. I really didn't have morning sickness the only time I felt nauseous was when I tried to eat peanuts.
On Tuesday May 24th, 2011 I had a strange pain that I couldn't get to go away (felt kind of like a ligament pulling) So I called the doctors office. When I was called back I was told that I needed to go to the hospital to get my blood work checked...The next day when I was called back I was told that the levels were still too low to do an ultrasound but they were still in the normal range for how far along I was....I was also told to go back to the hospital on Thursday after 5 pm to have the same test done and to see my midwife on Friday at 10am. So Thursday I went on with my day and after 5 I went and had my blood work done. The next morning I had hopes that I would be able to have an ultrasound and have a great 1st official check up by my midwife. I should have known something was up when the nurse asked me if I was still bleeding...I hadn't been bleeding, why would she think that? Luckily looking back my husband joined me to this appointment. As we waited for the midwife to enter the room he was looking at the poster on the wall that showed the baby in different stages during the pregnancy....He was so excited! When the midwife came I could tell that it wasn't going to be the appointment I was looking forward to...She looked in my chart and my HCG levels. Instead of doubling from where they were a few days before they dropped to 127 (if I remember right) at this she told me she said this wasn't good and that I was miscarrying. At this I went into shock.....didn't people show signs of miscarrying? I had a ligament pain that was it, right? I still felt pregnant. She let me have some time with Bob in the room as I started crying. She told me to stop my prenatal vitamins and then the miscarriage would progress. I was told to come back to the office in 2 weeks to get a post miscarriage check up...so I tried to pull myself together to wait in line at the appointment window.....everywhere I looked there were pregnant, happy women.....I had a panic attack how was I suppose to stand here and wait behind all this women who hadn't been told that there gift from God had been taken from them? Bob and I had taken 2 vehicles to the office so I turned to him and asked him to stay and make my follow-up appointment because I needed to get out of the office. As I left I decided to take the stairs I couldn't stand taking the elevator and trying to keep it together for a second longer. Down the stairs I remember crying and thinking why us....This had always been my biggest fear....losing a child....either during the pregnancy or after.
This day continued and Bob told Lil' Bob that we weren't going to have the baby that he wanted so much.... He was such a brave, loving little boy. He saw that I was sad and came up and gave me a big hug and asked if it was because of the baby and I said yes. He didn't shed a tear. Just hugged me and let me hold him (which is a big deal for a almost 1st grader).
I decided that I needed to let people know that I had lost the baby....I don't think I could handle a person who didn't know asking me any questions about the pregnancy. So I posted on Facebook....from this I was truly blessed! I had friends that I hadn't talked to in forever and those that I talk to more often telling me about their experiences and what has helped them...This has helped me greatly! I also had a friend suggest that I read Heaven is for Real. I read this book Sunday it was great and helped me have a peace that I didn't before. Also, the song Blessings by Laura Story has really helped me look at how God is blessing me through this experience also.
Again, I'll get back to my story....So Saturday came and went (I went to three games because I promised my boys that I would crawl out of bed and go to their games).
Sunday May 29th came... and so did the inevitable.....until then I had hope (maybe she was wrong...maybe the lab switched my results with someone else, that happens, right). I spent the day reading, praying, and listening to music....I knew I couldn't get through this without God. I prayed for my baby to know how much I loved him or her. I prayed for healing and peace. I prayed that Jesus would hold my baby and give the hugs and kisses that I can't right now.
Today, has been easier...I know that God is watching over me and has helped lift me up...I have a warmth inside and a peace that I didn't last Friday. I still hurt and I'm sure that I will hurt for the rest of my life...but I have a peace that only the Heavenly Father can give! Someday I will get to meet this little person and get to hold him or her but until then I know that my baby is in the best care!
From here on out I will refer to my baby as Kaylee...this is the name Bob picked out for our baby if it was a girl (Kaylee Danielle).
I hope to post on here regularly as my family tries to heal the best we can and hopefully have another chance to have another little blessing.
On May 17th, 2011 I found out we were expecting our 4th child....I had kinda guessed that I was pregnant before that but I hadn't taken a pregnancy test until this time. Allison and I went to Wal-Mart to do some shopping and while there I decided to get a test (actually 2 tests) to find out for sure. When I got home the first thing I did was head to the restroom (I couldn't wait to find out if we were going to have a baby). Bob and I had been trying for 8 months to conceive and there had been a couple times during that 8 months that I had had my hopes up because of a late period just to have them bashed in a couple of days, I think this was the reason that I was hesitant to really get tests again. (What if I wasn't, could I really justify buying another test and going through that disappointment yet again?)
To get back to the story...I took one test and there were two lines ( I was so excited)! Bob had actually came home from work early that day, so he was in the living room trying to relax while playing his game. So I decided that I would take the test in to show Bob...he was shocked and a little nervous, he didn't really want to talk....yet again he didn't think we were really ready at this time. He wanted me to take another test....so about 1/2 hour later I took another test and again there were two lines!!! I was pregnant!!!! The baby I had so desperately wanted the last 8 months was on his or her way.
I had never had issues with keeping a baby so of course I decided to tell some friends and family our good news! Bob eventually warmed up to the idea and was thinking of baby names! The next might unknowingly to me my husband decided to announce via Facebook we were expecting out 4th child so I decided that I would go public too since he had already went Facebook.
Everything with this pregnancy seemed to be going good....I was craving spinach salad and strawberries (not together though). My pants had already started getting tighter (I had been told that the more pregnancies that you have the faster you show). Which had been true so far. I really didn't have morning sickness the only time I felt nauseous was when I tried to eat peanuts.
On Tuesday May 24th, 2011 I had a strange pain that I couldn't get to go away (felt kind of like a ligament pulling) So I called the doctors office. When I was called back I was told that I needed to go to the hospital to get my blood work checked...The next day when I was called back I was told that the levels were still too low to do an ultrasound but they were still in the normal range for how far along I was....I was also told to go back to the hospital on Thursday after 5 pm to have the same test done and to see my midwife on Friday at 10am. So Thursday I went on with my day and after 5 I went and had my blood work done. The next morning I had hopes that I would be able to have an ultrasound and have a great 1st official check up by my midwife. I should have known something was up when the nurse asked me if I was still bleeding...I hadn't been bleeding, why would she think that? Luckily looking back my husband joined me to this appointment. As we waited for the midwife to enter the room he was looking at the poster on the wall that showed the baby in different stages during the pregnancy....He was so excited! When the midwife came I could tell that it wasn't going to be the appointment I was looking forward to...She looked in my chart and my HCG levels. Instead of doubling from where they were a few days before they dropped to 127 (if I remember right) at this she told me she said this wasn't good and that I was miscarrying. At this I went into shock.....didn't people show signs of miscarrying? I had a ligament pain that was it, right? I still felt pregnant. She let me have some time with Bob in the room as I started crying. She told me to stop my prenatal vitamins and then the miscarriage would progress. I was told to come back to the office in 2 weeks to get a post miscarriage check up...so I tried to pull myself together to wait in line at the appointment window.....everywhere I looked there were pregnant, happy women.....I had a panic attack how was I suppose to stand here and wait behind all this women who hadn't been told that there gift from God had been taken from them? Bob and I had taken 2 vehicles to the office so I turned to him and asked him to stay and make my follow-up appointment because I needed to get out of the office. As I left I decided to take the stairs I couldn't stand taking the elevator and trying to keep it together for a second longer. Down the stairs I remember crying and thinking why us....This had always been my biggest fear....losing a child....either during the pregnancy or after.
This day continued and Bob told Lil' Bob that we weren't going to have the baby that he wanted so much.... He was such a brave, loving little boy. He saw that I was sad and came up and gave me a big hug and asked if it was because of the baby and I said yes. He didn't shed a tear. Just hugged me and let me hold him (which is a big deal for a almost 1st grader).
I decided that I needed to let people know that I had lost the baby....I don't think I could handle a person who didn't know asking me any questions about the pregnancy. So I posted on Facebook....from this I was truly blessed! I had friends that I hadn't talked to in forever and those that I talk to more often telling me about their experiences and what has helped them...This has helped me greatly! I also had a friend suggest that I read Heaven is for Real. I read this book Sunday it was great and helped me have a peace that I didn't before. Also, the song Blessings by Laura Story has really helped me look at how God is blessing me through this experience also.
Again, I'll get back to my story....So Saturday came and went (I went to three games because I promised my boys that I would crawl out of bed and go to their games).
Sunday May 29th came... and so did the inevitable.....until then I had hope (maybe she was wrong...maybe the lab switched my results with someone else, that happens, right). I spent the day reading, praying, and listening to music....I knew I couldn't get through this without God. I prayed for my baby to know how much I loved him or her. I prayed for healing and peace. I prayed that Jesus would hold my baby and give the hugs and kisses that I can't right now.
Today, has been easier...I know that God is watching over me and has helped lift me up...I have a warmth inside and a peace that I didn't last Friday. I still hurt and I'm sure that I will hurt for the rest of my life...but I have a peace that only the Heavenly Father can give! Someday I will get to meet this little person and get to hold him or her but until then I know that my baby is in the best care!
From here on out I will refer to my baby as Kaylee...this is the name Bob picked out for our baby if it was a girl (Kaylee Danielle).
I hope to post on here regularly as my family tries to heal the best we can and hopefully have another chance to have another little blessing.
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