Hard Few Months

Since I lost the baby during Memorial Day Weekend it has been so hard. I thought I was finally healing I hadn't been thinking about it constantly, crying daily or even weekly...that is until August 10-11. All I did those days was think about the baby and cry. I couldn't sleep and I didn't feel hungry but I had to move on, it was just a bad couple of days, right?

Then August 12 came along, the day had started out good I had went to the park with some friends and was in the process of driving to my friends house to sign up as a Tupperware lady when I got the phone call.

It was my niece Kristan calling, my brother Chris hung himself. Shock and confusion swept in. She had mentioned that they were taking him some place...that meant that we was alive right, so I asked where? Which hospital? Then she had to tell me no, Sam, he's gone.

In that instant my life changed completely...the brother that was always there, the one who I played Legos with as a child and spent hours at his house as a teen, was gone. I last spoke to him about 2 weeks before this day and he seemed fine, he wanted us to come over but I hadn't made it there yet. I thought I had time, I wish that I had.

Now I hurt everyday. I try to go on with my life but when I'm alone on those quiet nights all I think about is him. There was no note, no explanation. He's just gone and I feel like it's all a bad dream and I'll eventually wake up.

Now I wonder if I could sense that something was going to happen and that's why I couldn't sleep the nights before and all my mind took me to was the last loss that I had...my precious baby?

I wrote a little something today for my brother, I haven't had a chance to work on it too much but here is what I have this far.


My First Best Friend

From the moment I came home from the hospital you were there.

As I grew I became a tomboy, always trying to keep up with my big brother.
Legos, Cars and dirt I always touched.

We got older, you and I. Became parents and shared laughs. But always had a bond that only
a brother and sister could share.

Now you're gone and I don't know why.
All I want to do is cry, cry, cry.

I miss you so much. I hold your memories, smile, and laugh in my heart.

Until we meet again...I Love You!


To my Big Brother Christopher Aaron Cooper (September 14, 1978 - August 12, 2011)