Tomorrow marks two weeks since I found out that I was going to have a miscarriage. I thought I was getting better emotionally until last night. I knew I had to go back to my doctors office today for the 2 week check up. I was up off and on throughout the night and my nerves were going crazy, I had really bad heartburn all because of what I had to do the next day.
As I walked into the office building today I could feel my heart racing and the need to run! But I didn't of course. I decided to take the stairs because I figured I wouldn't have to see anyone else in there. I walked into the office and of course saw babies and pregnant women everywhere I looked...sitting and waiting, it felt like torture. I didn't want to be there and now I was waiting by all of these happy people and I didn't want to cry in front of them. So I decided to focus on a game on my phone.
When my name was called and I had to walk to the back room it was horrible....even the nurses act different when you are there after a miscarriage for a checkup. She was very quiet didn't smile, didn't really say much to me at all. All I kept telling myself was "don't cry Sam, don't cry you can do this". Unfortunately my emotions got the best of me yet again and I broke down in the room again. Luckily Bob was there to hand me tissues....I don't think I could have handled this whole situation very well if I didn't have Bob with me.
Good news...my levels are back down to 2 so I don't have to have anymore blood taken for this reason! Also, my midwife suggested that we wait 2 months to try again after I questioned a little bit more she did say that some of her patients do get pregnant sooner and it just depends on what Bob and I want to do...if I am emotionally ready for a roller coaster of emotions during another pregnancy. She said that I need to grieve for this baby. She gave me something that a church out of Peoria put together for mom's who have miscarried...in it was a card, a little book, and a little ornament of Jesus holding a baby....underneath it it says "Safe in the arms of Jesus". I just need to keep remembering that my baby is in a better place.
When I got home Bob let me hang out in the bedroom most of the day...it wasn't as bad as the first day, but it was still bad. I thought that I was doing better but then something happens that reminds me of my loss and my baby...today it was the check up, yesterday it was a friend announcing her pregnancy, before that it was holding a baby in the nursery and smelling the baby smell and knowing that I'm not going to be able to hold my baby. I just have to take one day at a time and know that I have a God that loves me and will take care of me. I will continue to praise and worship Him through this hard time!
Jeremiah 29:11-12
"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all of your heart."
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